"I feel like I go from extreme vanity to total self-loathing. Like there's days where you just feel good and you feel confident and can shake your thing and just do it. And then there's other times where you just feel totally self-conscious and insecure."

Just talk yourself up, and tear yourself down. You've hit your one wall, now find a way around. Well, what's the problem? You've got a lot of nerve.

I know it's not enough to say I'm wrong. You know that I will miss you now you're gone. I know it's not your life to see this through.

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend which came as some surprise, I spoke into his eyes. I thought you died alone, a long long time ago.

Now you ask me to explain myself and I tell you I need distance. You say, "To hell with distance, remember who you're talking to." I say, "Closeness is too much for me." And dismiss you with a smile. You say, "Wish away your closeness and imagine it's a smile."

And I've waited here for hours hoping that you'd call. My dialing fingers are tired and your machine is full. I've taken eighteen showers just to pass the time. That fucking phone just rang but it wasn't you on the line.

"What sick, ridiculous puppets we are. And wh at a gross little stage we dance on. What fun we have dancing. Not a care in the world. Not knowing that we are nothing. We are not what was intended.

I've got a big fat bone to pick you with, my darling. In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying. I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you, plugged in and ready to fall.

I used to rely on self-medication. I guess I still do that from time to time. But I'm getting better at fighting the future, "Someday you'll be fine." Yes, I'll be just fine.

I am a germ under your skin, I crawl through your viens and work my way in. I play with your health, I destroy all there is. I'm the germ in your mouth when you give her a kiss. And tomorrow they'll put you away. And the doctors all they will say is, you're gonna die. I am a germ under your skin like a hypodermic needle pushed in. I run in your blood and I screw up your brain. I've got a disease to send you insane and I got a feeling I'm gonna win. It's no use believing in the national health, cause when you are gone, I'll destroy someone else.

We almost had it right but the puzzle pieces misaligned. You've been talking in your sleep but you never mentioned me.

"I ran down the stairs and into the garden; put both my hands into the soil. In the spring you will bloom, like her heart through the blouse in the back of the ambulance."

"It is soft and warm and I am not soft or warm but I imagine that it would be nice to be that way. I have never known it. I know a cold, hard raging Fury deep inside of me and I am tired of it. I am tired of the feeling, I want to die so I don't have to feel it anymore. I would like to be soft and warm. I would be terrified to be that way. I could be hurt if I were soft and warm. I could be hurt by something other than myself. It is harder to be soft than it is to be hard. I could be hurt by something other than myself."

Hell is not a place, it's a state of mind and body. It's an obsession with a voice, a face, a name.

"Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide."

Cause everything, it must belong somewhere. A train off in the distance, bicycle chained to the stairs. Everything must belong somewhere. I know that now, that's why I'm staying here.

Smile big for everyone, even though you know what they've done. They gave you the end, but not where to start. Not how to build, but how to tear it apart.

Tell me again where you were when the world changed and forgot about you. If it's sympathy you need, then well I'm sorry, but you're not the only one that feels cheated. It's too close to home and it's too near the  bone, more than you'll ever know. I don't miss you.

I keep wondering where did I go wrong? Maybe I didn't go wrong at all. Maybe things are going to turn out the way they're meant to and nothing's going to stop them. Some things are easy to control and work out. But some things you just have to let go. So instead of asking why it turned out like this, I should accept that it is how it is. There is no way to change it, but I can love it. I want to love it.

The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past and recognize that everyday won't be sunny. And when you do find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember; it's only in the balck of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home.

I know a girl who cries when she practices violin because each note sounds so pure it just cuts into her and then the melody comes pouring out her eyes. Now to me, everything else just sounds like a lie.

Hey, how's your summer going? It's good to see you again. I'm gonna make a record so I never forget what it was I wrecked. So tired of my mind. You're a genius all the time. The things I can't say are all thinking me insane these days.

"I didn't let you go. No I can't let you go." He said, "I'm having such a hard time." Then I heard, "I didn't let you go, I just can't let go." And then he said, "I think I'm losing my mind. 'Cause I still love you, this I must confess. I guess I still need you. I feel I have to tell you this again, yes I still want you, oh these words I did not plan. So if I've interupted anything, I promise I won't call you again."

Well, I haven't see you in awhile. You know, I, I miss our talks, I miss your smile cause the look of innocence is priceless. But right now you look so lifeless and now it hurts me so, to have to see you go to watch this song break you down. And when you feel you can't get through and there's no hope left in you. You know I'll be right here to help you find your way out.

You sit alone inside your room and rust. You give your trust to those who don't deserve your trust. You put yourself through hell.

You walked all the way to my house in the middle of the night, and threw a stone at my window. I expected you to be down there with flowers in your hand, about to sing me a love song. Instead you wanted to come upstairs to my bedroom. Prove to me the only thing you wanted from our relationship was sex. And then leave through the window when I told you no.

I got out of bed today and did my hair. I even took a shower last night. I bought a new outfit too. I wore it. Guys are looking at me again. Someone called me beautiful. Can you see them, are you happy with yourself? Then again, how would you? You aren't here. You left with her. That girl, ya know, that was a hundred times better and more beautiful than I.

I don't miss you. Not even a tiny bit. I'm convincing myself of this. Saying it over and over. That pit in my stomach, it isn't because I'm depressed. It isn't because I'm looking around this town, missing your face. It isn't. I don't miss you. Not even a tiny bit. I don't. I can't. Not anymore.

He said I deserve a much better guy than you. He said that I don’t need someone in my life that treats me like crap. He doesn’t understand. This is as good as it gets.

Yep. Mellissa.

COMMENT ME IF THIS IS GOOD.

Don't you dare tell me I am the reason we are here. I spent enough sleepless in this bed to know that this isn't just all in my head. D-d-don't you say that I'm ruining what we've made. We know enough to know we're both to blame. It's like you're leaving but you don't know the way, so I say, "I can't believe myself, I'm wishing to be anyone else and I'm feelng like all this hell might shake something good in the end."

I had a friend who changed his name but couldn't change himself. Never quite figured out how to do with what life had dealt. He put a needle in his arm to calm his handsome hell... who would have imagined it?

So when you see my falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive, don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side. Everybody had their reasons, that's the reason we're all going to die. Because if seeing is believe, then believe that we have lost our eyes.

I've been wrapping one night stands around my body like wedding bands and none of them fit in the morning. They just slip out of my fingers and slip out the door and all that lingers is the scent of you. I once swore if I threw that scent into a wishing well all the wishes in the world would come true. Do you remember?

You are always saying that I owe you one, well, let's consolidate this debt. Get on a payment plan, I'll pay you compliments, you can still treat me bad. But now it's easy, getting easier, to leave you and this town behind. I'll do some traveling. Once I'm gone, tell all our friends you got even. I'm held like an object and then set aside.

Well I can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound and you haven't called me in weeks and honestly it's bringing me down. Oh, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me. I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me. And don't you worry, there's still time. Don't you worry, there's still time. There's nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone and I wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around.

I had breakfast with my shadow, we had quite the discussion. Can you fall in love with the things you only know, the things you may never touch?

We'll lift your sleeves, so bare they might see your angles and errors. Arms that have shared you with every heart etched in your skin. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for who I am.

I join the queue on your answerphone. And all I am is holding breath. Just pick up, I know you're there. Can't you hear me? I'm not myself. Oh, go ahead and lie to me. You could say anything. Small talk will be just fine. Your voice is everything; we owe it to love and it all depends on you.

I remember everything; the words we spoke on freezing South Street. And all those mornings watching you get ready for school. You combed your hair inside that mirror. The one you painted blue and glued with jewelry tears. Something about those bright colors would always make you feel better.

I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details. They seemed so important at the time, but now you can't even recall any of the names, faces or lines. It's more the feeling of it all. Well, winter's gonna end. I'm gonna clean these veins again. So close to dying that I finally can start living.

You're selfish, and I'm sorry. When I'm gone, you'll be going nowhere fast. Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you? Cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me.

Don't ever let someone tell you you can't do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. You want something? Go get it.

When you sleep, where do your fingers go? Do they tremble on the edge of the bed, or do you fold them neatly by your head? Do they clench like claws against your own skin; when you're living your day all over again?

You're beautiful. Every little piece love, don't you know? You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone. When you find everything you looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my front door. But if it don't, stay beautiful.

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you and I'm not sorry it's over. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

That night we talked about our life, about our times together. Maybe we aren't the same to kids that we once were, but some things never change. Some things last, even though I didn't exactly know what was going to happen to us. Or where we were going. I just knew that I couldn't let you out of my life.

In the day by day collision called the art of growing up, there's an innocence we look for in the stars. To be taken back to younger days, when there was no giving up on the people we held closest to our hearts.

Once there lived a boy who loved to look outside his window. And on the other side of that window was a world filled with secrets that only he knew of. He stayed inside of his house so that he could watch all the other people stumble over and around all of his secrets. And it made him smile. Because only he could see them.

When a masterpiece is created it takes more than hours of brush strokes. It takes years of experiences of let downs. Failures are just like this masterpiece, though. It's not just that one decision that defines you, it's years of mistakes. But just like that masterpiece, there's beauty in every part.

Hey it's obscene and it's green and automatic. I know how to make it seem like it's your fault. I believe it when you say you need it for the sway. When I'm screaming through the troubles that the drugs don't solve.

Do you ever truly dream and stay inside them before you wake? I mean, deep inside you can relax the mind and grab the minute like the last one to save? Well, for me it's that last baby moment before I rise. It fills me with wonder, it bless my soul, catch the dream before I open my eyes.

I know you're dying to tell me everything that you want to say, but I'm not listening. Try to tell me everything that you want to say. I know you're trying to force me. Feed me lies but I'm on my way. Can you taste it now? I'm dying to watch your face when I walk away.

You told me that the daylight burned you, and that the sunrise was enough to kill you. I said, well maybe you are a vampire. You said, it's quite possible, I feel truly dead inside.

This is me wishing you into the worst situations. I'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go. But you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat.

I've told you many times that you're worth so much better. I don't understand why you can't see that, I just don't. And I don't c are if I'm not part of your life anymore, I don't care if you never cared for me as much as I did for you, because I just need you to be okay. I just need you to realize what an amazing person you are. All I want is for you to be happy, I can't help myself; I'm sorry.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken and I'd rather remember it as it was, at it's best, than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

Woke up and wished that I was dead. With an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you'd gone and let the world spin madly on.

It's too much. I'm numb and I'm tired. Too much has happened today. I feel as if I'd been out in a pounding rain for 48 hours without an umbrella or coat. I'm soaked to the skin in emotion.

You're such a beautiful writer but that's not all you are. I'm sorry about making a pass. It was subtle but I think you grasped the meaning intended.

Brother, what have you done? Sticking needles in your arm. Brother, never said we'd walk away from family. These so called "friends," they keep pushing you in. I hate my love for you, but you cared for me, so I'll care for you.

So this is my life and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad. And I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.

You called to say you wanted out. Well, I can't say I blame you now. Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out. Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself. Cause now that I see you, I don't think you're worth a second glance. So much for all the promises you made. They served you well. Now you're gone and they're wasted on me.

I see something in you. Something nobody sees. I see yellow and blue; yeah, the sunshine and the sea. When I think of love, I think of you. It's my favorite thing to do.

Hi everyone. Special thanks to clownfaces. Because her site amazes me. =]
Melissa.

Nobody ever comments.

I wish people would.

And every night I think I certaintly won't ever sleep sober or alone. And then suddenly, it occurs to be that I slept alone before you.

One foot in the door, one foot in your grave. You're the one that started this. You're the one they thought they couldn't save. So tell me one thing can you live up to, what you had in mind?

Morning came and I tried not to notice it was time for you to move along. And the minutes felt like petals all around us. Like a goodbye kiss when goodbye felt so wrong.

And if you see me down at the liquor store, please don't tell me dad. And if you see my dad down at the liquor store, don't tell me anything at all.

If you've got somebody buried underneath your patio, you can bet your life that your neighbors know. And I want you to know that I've got nothing to hide.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I woke up this morning. I looked at the sidewalk and there was a million people dressed all the same who answered their cellphones at the same time and all popped a pill for the same disorder. Can't be fat, no we can't have that. We're so far gone, don't you see that we're so far gone?

Daylight burns my sleepy eyes and it's hard to see you dreaming lying there beside to me and you're slowly waking. I cannot help but wonder why everything that I'm chasing leaves me empty in the morning and why it's true love, but it keeps my heart aching.

There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

And in the night, the only light was the glow of the surface. As they slid in, the rest of them continued their talking and drinking. They'll never notice us. So this is the difference between living and not living; these are just bodies, we have a purpose.

I saw the future once, I was drunk in a phone booth. My eyes were wet and red but I could not tell what was said and through the screams of the traffic; voices carried saying "I am sorry." On a day so grey it's black inside, watching churches on TV. In a coma you don't dream - you just hope that someone sits with you.

I watched the sky bleed gray with see through shades of violent bloody stains and felt the evil prime and wicked start a course straight through my veins. I'm so alive, my skin so cold and fake I close my eyes. I know that now's the time to take my chance with death and realize.

Overdose was a success, humiliation was too great. Now with your estate foreclosed, you will surely lose your head. Was in a bad place when you punched your supervisor in the throat. An inadvertent fatal blow, were the words your lawyer used. On the unsympathetic judge, who was having a bad day, so he threw your life away, is faith still comforting you?

So I said, "let's forget these days and just try to build some solid ground. Maybe someday we could stand straight up with our faces in the wind and scream to the world."

Broken bottles under children's feet. Bodies strewn across the dead end street. But I won't heed the battle call, it puts my back up, puts my back up against the wall.

Each breath is getting slower. This war is getting harder to fight by myself. Sick waves of bitter fashion, ripped down the shield that I have tears rain from above.

I'm just your ordinary citizen. They're waiting patiently for me to sin again, but then again, I'm really mommy's little angel, but that angel on my shoulder got strangled for trying to tangle with his nemesis he caught him on the wrong day.

Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor, soaking in sympathy from friends who never loved you nearly half as much as me.

I wanna have the same last dream again. The one where I wake up and I'm alive. Just as the four walls close me within. My eyes are open up with pure sunlight. I'm the first to know, my dearest friends. Even if your hope has burned with time, anything that is dead shall be re-grown. And your vicious pain, your warning sign, you will be fine.

Nobody speaks, nobody get any smart ideas. If we don't have any heroics, we may just get out of here and home to your families by dinner time, safely and soundly sleeping. Cause don't want trouble, we'll take what we came for and we'll leave quiet. Or maybe we will tear you up, take what you love and burn it down.

What you do on your own time's just fine. My imagination's much worse, I just never want to know. What meant the world imploded, inflated then demoted all my oxygen to produce gas and suffocated my last chance.

This is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime or a goldfish. My parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of God. Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you meet someone special, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground.

I bet you laugh at the thought of me thinking for myself. I bet you believe that I'm better off without you than someone else. Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal. But under your covers, more torture than pleasure, and just past your lips, there's more anger than laughter. Now or forever will I change you, I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit.

Hello, I'm neurotic. Creating problems that don't exist. Don't believe me when I say everything's alright. Let's go to my apartment, we'll put the sheets up over our heads, forget all reasons to go outside. Beats pulse, they're automatic. Locked inside of my apartment, with the television on, I'm fine.

I still don't have the reason and you don't have the time. And it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you. So this is goodbye. Give me something to believe in, 'cause I don't believe in you anymore.

(She's gorgeous)

Well. I updated again. I don't know how. I'm having a bad summer.

Mel.

comments? My site sucks.

Because you know it is what you leave  behind you will still start missing and the people you once counted on says it's all depending on how you act and how you treat yourself and that is not very well.

So don't believe everything you read in that diary of yours and this nervousness, it isn't your fault. It's just these shaking hands won't do what I want them to. And I've tried to guess what it is that you thought about that act, act of contrition that rolled off our tongues as you left. What are you crying for?

You told me that you want to die, I said I've been there myself more than a few times. And I go back every once in awhile. You called me lucky, you... you called me lucky. You said tonight is a wonderful night to die. I asked you how you could tell, you told me to look at the sky. Look at all those stars, look at how goddamn ugly the stars are.

Remember the time you drove all night just to meet me in the morning, and I thought it was strange, you said everything changed. You felt as if you'd just woke up and you said, "this is the first day of my life. I'm glad I didn't die before I met you. But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you and I'd probably be happy."

If you hate the taste of wine, why do you drink it until you're blind? And if you swear that there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right? Why are you scared to dream of God when it's salvation that you want? You see stars that clear have been dead for years. But the idea just lives on.

And the world's got me dizzy again. You think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin. And it only feels worse when I stay in one place. So I'm always pacing around or walking away. I keep drinking the ink from my pen and I'm balancing history books up on my head. But it all boils down to one quotable phrase: If you love something, give it away.

So when time comes to claim me, my friends and my family will gather around my grave and they'll believe that they knew me and loved me and missed me and all call me by my name.